Managing mayhem in the Department of Technology and Cyber Stuff
(A short guide to the Gospel of Cyplomacy)
When the gods first ascended Olympus Zeus allocated spheres of influence. Of course, at that time Technology and Cyber Stuff was not a sphere of influence at all. When it became available as a field of influence there were no gods without a portfolio to take over as god of Technology and Cyber Stuff. And so the jostling began for this coveted position. The goddess Athena, goddess of intelligence, skill and wisdom thought that she should be appointed. The god Apollo, god of knowledge and manly beauty, argued that he should be the natural choice. Hades, the god of regret, had a strong argument, saying that humans dabbling in the field of Technology and Cyber Stuff are absolutely guaranteed to experience regret quite often. But Zeus surprised them all.
It was Bacchus that got the coveted new department of Technology and Cyber Stuff. Zeus reckoned that the god of Wine, Parties, Madness, Festivals, Ecstacy and Chaos will be a perfect god for those humans in the field of Tecnology and Cyber Stuff. It actually makes sense: most of them are mad, they drink wine at parties, they are in ecstacy when things go right and they cause chaos in the lives of others. In this way, Bacchus took charge of Technology and Cyber Stuff.
At first Bacchus was elated with his new department. As god of Wine, Madness, Parties, Chaos and Ecstacy he already had a vast number of followers. Followers of Technology and Cyber Stuff were bound to increase his sphere of influence and make him a very serious player in Olympus indeed. Oh yes, he coveted those vast numbers of humans diligently worshipping at the sacred tablets and laptops of Technology and Cyber Stuff. Sadly, he soon became bitterly disillusioned. His dreams just never realized. The reason for this is two-fold: 1)Bacchus simply loved his followers in the Department of Wine, Parties etc. etc. and he spent a lot of time with his congregations (humans call these places of worship pubs). They are such happy congregations; they sing and dance and one can always hear the merry tinkling of ice cubes, boisterous laughing and really, really funny jokes. It is fun worshipping in the Department of Wine, Parties etc. etc. 2) Followers of Technology and Cyber Stuff refused to gather in congregations. They worship in isolation. They are just not fun to be with! All they offered the god was some wayward bits and bytes and, compared with wine, this proved to be a very bitter pill to swallow.
Of course, no god worth his salt can allow his followers to be a disappointment and Bacchus decided to punish the followers of Tecnology and Cyber Stuff. He did this by striking at the very core of these humans’ belief system. He made their servers crash, he scrambled their data and he introduced worms and viruses. He destroyed back-ups and he messed up the Cloud by stirring the ether anti-clock wise. Thus many followers of Technology and Cyber Stuff were struck by despair and sometimes e en by a loss of faith.
Fear not, however, you followers of Technology and Cyber Stuff, for the prophet IT will teach you the gospel of Cyplomacy (Cyber Diplomacy). IT will lead you from the wilderness of crashed servers, wayward routers, frozen screens and missing data. He will deliver you from viruses and worms and he will teach you to safeguard yourself.
The Gospel of Cyplomacy according to the prophet IT
1. Understand and accept the fact that thou shalt not defeat the god Bacchus for he has many followers and he is strong. Instead, thou shalt learn to offer a defense against his mayhem and to undermine his efforts. Thou shalt learn the gospel of Cypplomacy.
2. Thou shalt not allow another human to fiddle with thou Technology and Cyber stuff after worshipping at a temple of the Department of Wine, Parties etc. etc. For verily I say onto you: after worshipping at the temple of Wine, Parties etc. etc. these very humans become the instruments of the vengeful god Bacchus and they shalt crash thou servers, destroy thou routers, spill on thou keyboards and write down thou passwords on the notice board.
3. Thou shalt fool the god Bacchus by pretending to become followers of the Department of Wine, Parties etc. etc. Thou shalt accomplish this by taking thou Technology and Cyber Stuff gadgets to a temple of Wine, Parties etc. etc. and thou shalt worship at the sacred tablets and laptop in such places. Thou shalt make the deceit realistic by partaking in wine, by telling really, really funny jokes and by laughing boisterously. Thus the god Bacchus will be fooled and he will see no reason to crash thou servers and cause other mischief.
Thus spake the prophet IT.